Now is Would Be

So some of you know that I went to San Fransisco a few weeks ago for my cousin Leea’s graduation (and subsequently, Lindenhurst, to see Mumsy).  And I have even perhaps told even fewer of you that I had to throw away the shampoo and body wash I had with me since they were full bottles of more than 3 ounces.  Because we all know how dangerous it is to be able to clean your hair whilst flying.  But that annoyance pales in comparison to what I discovered on that fateful trip.  For, in this seemingly innocent happenstance, the secrets of the ages were revealed to me.

Time travel does indeed exist.

I present the following series of events as proof of this albeit fantastic claim:

1. Before heading for the airport, but after taking a shower, I pack my Suave shampoo and Dial body wash into my suitcase.

2. Upon crossing security, the aforementioned items are labelled suspicious and, due to time constraints, thrown out.

3. Dad, Betty (my aunt) and I arrive in San Fransisco, take a taxi (after waiting an hour for Betty’s bag), and arrive at out hotel for the night.  The next day is spent with Mary Lou (my other aunt, aka Mel) and Leea.  Much gladness ensues.

4. In a bid to remedy my shower predicament, Mel, Dad and I go hunting for supplies.  Body wash is no problem, but for some reason, the shampoo is nowhere to be found.  That is, the particular variety I use wasn’t anywhere.  There were, however, bottles of the same brand.  However, these other bottles, unlike my previous shampoo, were Suave Men, as opposed to Suave for Men, in addition to having more new age designs on the front.  Continuing on, an adequate stopgap substitute is found.

5. The rest of the trip transpires.  A wonderful time, to be sure, but irrelevant to this particular proof.

6. Once arrived back in Illinois, and having spent the night at Dad’s, we eventually get around to taking me over to Mom’s.  On the way, we stop to get me some proper shampoo, and eventually find some.  But!  While it is indeed the proper type of shampoo, this bottle also sports a new age look, and no longer touts itself as for men.  It is purchased regardless.

7. Two weeks go by in Lindenhurst.  A wonderful two weeks, but again, extraneous.

8. I arrive back in Champaign-Urbana, courtesy of the Bonnie Bakers and their Bakermobile.  Once all my effects are transported to my room, I reach into my closet.  For, unbeknownst to the space-time continuum, I still had (and still do, actually) a near-empty bottle of the old Suave.  Only, it was near-empty, and thus in use, and thus in the shower.

9. Not to be deterred, I tarried forth to the bathroom, new Suave in hand.  And, as I had suspected, they were indeed different.  Same brand, same type, different style.

Obviously, there has been some sort of temporal discontinuity here.  The most logical of which is that I somehow traveled forward through time in my flight to San Fransisco, which is of course more futuristic than Lindenhurst, what with it being a city and all.  I couldn’t have gone all too far in the future though; a week later, and Lindenhurst was at the same point.

If for whatever reason you still find my claims outrageous, then the only other possibilities are conspiracy and coincidence.  And let’s be honest — 9 times out of 10, it’s the big companies what harbor the conspiracies.

Although, frankly, I don’t see what they really gain from the change.  Which would you rather use (hypothetically): Suave for Men, the essence of suaveness, geared specifically for men, or Suave Men, an ambiguous title that perhaps implies unethical manufacturing practices?

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